You shoulda seen
what a lump on a log I was.
I was the certified chauffeur
for all the family.
Dolly has piano lessons?
Dad’ll drive you.
My wife is goin’ to the Jewel Food Store?
Get old drippo to sit behind the wheel.
But it was more than that.
There were these eight people
all grabbing my dough
on a Friday night;
eight mouths waiting for Hamburger Helper,
and after I’d bought them
their Dream Whip and their Keds gym shoes
they start calling me a square.
I was corny they said.
My daughter called me a male chauvinist pig
cuz I was enjoying the half-time entertainment
with the Dallas Cowboys’ cheerleaders
kicking up their heels.
This is a gyp, I told myself.
I can’t even relax
during a crummy football game.
I got my car keys
and headed for sunny Florida.
So long chumps.
Monthly Archive for March, 2009
The first thing you say is
‘May I help you Ma’am?’
If she answers ‘I’m still deciding’,
well then you reply
‘Our choc-o-licious offer for today
is imported chocolate-covered cherries,
one dollar and ten cents a pound.
Would you care for a sample?’
She’ll always say yes to that,
even if she knows all she wants
is a pound and a half of chocolate raisins.
Don’t watch them while they’re sampling,
except out of the corner of your eye:
it makes them self-conscious.
‘My that was tasty’, she’ll sigh,
as she wipes the syrup off her chin.
‘How much did you say those were?’
‘One dollar and ten cents, Ma’am,
will I give you a pound or two?’
‘Well, I am trying to watch my waistline,
but I’ll take a pound and a half
of chocolate raisins.’
Then you say ‘Why Ma’am, you certainly
don’t look like you need to count your calories.’
As you’re shovelling the raisins onto the scale,
make sure she’s watching and put a little extra in;
that way, when you say ‘Will that be all?’,
she may just giggle ‘Oh I’m in a naughty mood today,
you can give me a pound of those cherries as well.’
Say ‘Yes Ma’am’ humbly, so she
won’t notice you persuaded her.